Some lyrics. Music later.
/I’m cheating today by posting the lyrics of a song from a musical version of A Day in the Moonlight, a Marx Bros version of Rostand’s The Romancers — better known as its other musical version, The Fantasticks — by Mike Funt, better known as “that clown in Beijing.” (Mike was at one point anointed as the second best Groucho impersonator in the country. He was anointed so by the longstanding first best Groucho impersonator in the country.)
He wrote it his senior year in college and decided it would get more performances as a musical. You would think he had plenty of songwriters among his acquaintance, but he asked me to provide songs. I think he just likes to keep me busy and off the streets. At any rate, as I say on p.30, “It goes without saying that we never finished the project.”
Why am I pulling it up now? The occasion is this Friday’s Really Matters Theatre at Southern Arc Dance, and the reason I am not posting the music too is that I haven’t finished it, even after redacted years. I mean, it’s only the last three or so measures, but I needed a quick blog post for today.
Here’s the setup: Thurgood (Groucho) is one of the two parents in the show. Alexandra (Margaret Dumont) is the other parent. At some point in the show, Thurgood proclaims that he is the perfect gentleman, unwilling to “disparage an ex,” which he proceeds to do in seven full verse/choruses. In the stage version, there would be the usual gang of Chorus to back him up.
Enjoy.
“I Would Never”
1
There's a lot you could say for Gertrudë:
She was clean and she came when you called.
But I'm afraid I could not have been rudah
When I found she was totally bald.
For Carol was crazy and Lucy was gay,
And as for poor Karrie, well, what can I say?
As much as I'd love to have wrung all their necks,
I'd never, no never, disparage an ex.
2
And then I was dumped by poor Mimi
Because I failed one of her tests:
It was bad that I ran away screaming
When I found that she sported three breasts.
For Maggie was toothless and Eleanor lisped,
And Susan would sunbathe till burnt to a crisp.
Alicia most closely resembled T. rex,
But I'd never, no never, disparage an ex.
3
I was ready to wed my dear Julia,
But she threw a wrench in my plan:
"Oh darling, I'm sorry to fool ya,
But you see that I'm really a man!"
For Chloe was cross-eyed and Doris a drunk
And Rita regrettably smelled like a skunk.
So I'll say it again - if no one objects,
I'd never, no never, disparage an ex.
4
Dissociative disorder Delores
Offered multiple ways to have fun.
When she sings it is always a chorus,
Till one of her pulls out a gun.
For Gladys had gangrene inside of her thigh,
And Molly made innocent childeren cry.
Though many have given me herpes simplex,
I'd never, no never, disparage an ex.
5
Romanian gymnast Ivana
Had many intriguing techniques.
But then she would take a banana and
Put you off of fruit salad for weeks.
Amanda had scurvy, Felicia was fat,
And Winifred would end a sentence with "at."
Because with them all I had excellent sex,
I'd never, no never, disparage an ex.
6
Then there's the lovely Vanessa,
a scrumptious, delectable dream:
Every time I'd begin to caress her
She'd grab both her buttocks and scream.
For Betty Ann's body was covered in hair,
And you'd only date Natalie once on a dare.
Though mostly they're known for their creepy effects,
I'd never, no never, disparage an ex.
7
I thought I could love Amaryllis,
A waitress I stumbled upon,
But then she would give me the willies
when she followed me into the john.
Leilani, Lolita, Letitia, and Lou,
Ula and Uma and Ursula, too,
Betty and Beulah and Bobby and Prue:
For though they were total emotional wrecks,
And never forgetting the excellent sex,
I'd never, no never, (What, never?—Well, hardly ever)
I'd never, no never, disparage an ex.
Come on out to Southern Arc this Friday night and see whether I make it through this piece. It’s a toss-up at the moment, especially that ending which — I will remind you — I’ve never heard before tomorrow.
