WORK: a folder

Since today was National Clean Off Your Desk Day, I set to it with good cheer and a clean heart. One subtask was filing a couple of folders with tax paperwork, and to fit them into the filing cabinet I had to clean out a couple of folders, some of which date back to my first years teaching or directing, i.e., nearly 50 years ago. Why were they still in my possession?

Indeed, most of the ones I pulled were dead memories and could safely be discarded, but there was one folder, labeled WORK, that contained some stuff I think I should share with you.

(Hold on, I am being reliably informed that there is no such thing as National Clean Off Your Desk Day. It appears that I may have been lied to.)

The contents seem to be bits and pieces of my writing from the distant past, back when everything was written neatly in longhand on college-rule notebook paper, and if we skip past the transcription of the Monty Python “Penguin on the Telly” bit — don’t judge me — the first bit is a radio spot for the Newnan Repertory Company (predecessor to the Newnan Community Theatre Company). It’s in the same absurdist style, as you will see:

Newnan Repertory Company Patron Drive Spot #2

DANN:

Woof. Woof woof. Woof woof woof. (Continues under.)

ANNOUNCER:

That sounds like a noble dog defending its owners from an vicious intruder, doesn’t it? Well, it’s not. Believe it or not, the sound you hear is being produced by one of the highly trained actors of the Newnan Repertory Company. Impressive? You bet.

And now, let’s meet the actor himself, Dann Jackson. He’s getting out of the dog suit and coming over, and here he is. How are you, Dann?

DANN:

A bit bushed, actually. Acting really takes a lot out of you.

ANNOUNCER:

I can imagine. Tell me, Dann, is there much call for actors portraying dogs?

DANN:

You’d be surprised, John.

ANNOUNCER:

A lot, then?

DANN:

Almost none, John. But we of the Repertory Company feel that that is no excuse for an actor not to be totally trained in canine portrayal. We began with just your basic mutt and have diversified into German shepherd, Airedale, Mexican hairless chihuahua, etc.

ANNOUNCER:

I see. What is the most difficult?

DANN:

Shih-tzu.

ANNOUNCER:

Gesundheit. Does the company have any plans for the future?

DANN:

Yes, as a matter of fact we’re planning a musical version of Riders to the Sea in which all the roles are played by lemmings.

ANNOUNCER:

Lemmings?

DANN:

Actually we’ll be singing like guinea pigs because the inflection is easier, but we figured the two are close enough.

ANNOUNCER:

I see.

DANN:

We’d like to do a number from the show now, and I think you’ll see what we mean.

ANNOUNCER:

Okay. And now, the Newnan Repertory Company will perform a number from their production of the musical Riders to the Sea, lemming-style.

(“Hallelujah Chorus” is played at 45 rpm.)

ANNOUNCER:

To become a patron of the Newnan Repertory Company, simply fill out the patron form and send it to [long-gone NRC address].

And remember, if we can keep them in the theatre, we can keep them off the streets.

(And scene.)

(Also too, I think “REMEMBER, IF WE CAN KEEP THEM IN THE THEATRE, WE CAN KEEP THEM OFF THE STREETS” would make a great t-shirt.)