How Not to Write a Novel (review)

“Gregor Samsa awoke one morning to find himself turned into an enormous symbol.”

I am not a fiction writer, at least not so far, but because I am A Guru I am sometimes called on to look over people’s manuscripts, or, as chief book designer for Boll Weevil Press, do a light editing of a manuscript. So when How Not to Write a Novel, by Howard Mittelmark and Sandra Newman, pinged on my radar, I immediately bought it.

Full semi-disclosure: Howard and I are “Twitter neighbors,” following each other and commenting on tweets. He is very funny, and you should follow him as well. (Ms. Newman I have just begun to follow, and she seems just as witty.)

The subtitle of How Not to… is 200 classic mistakes and how to avoid them—a misstep-by-misstep guide, and it says it all. Mittelmark & Newman have given you, the novice writer, 200 hysterical tropes, each with a gonzo writing sample illustrating it, and instructions on how to use that technique so that you never have to worry about your novel ever being published.

As I said, I am not a fiction writer; I could laugh freely throughout the book since my withers were unwrung. But I have to say that I am going to STEAL FROM THE BEST as I advise one or two authors on their latest efforts and use — let’s say — “Hello! I Am the Author!” (p.236) or The Newborn Dinosaur (p.232) as instructional tools. And I will be donating a copy to the Backstreet Arts library so that if I ever get free to set up shop as the writing instructor again, I’ll have it as a resource. I am after all a teacher.

So if you think you might just write a roman à clef about a lonely kid who finds a place to belong with a bunch of assorted town weirdos — or the bold, sassy young manager who bucks the establishment at the ice cream parlor — or the wan retiree looking wistfully back over a life well-lived… Then do us all a favor and read How Not to Write a Novel. Laugh, but swallow the pill, folks, swallow the pill. Then rewrite the damn thing.

Verdict: Highly recommended.